Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
