I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
sarcasm needs its own font
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
