She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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