i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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