Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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