trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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