Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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