Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
