Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
