i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
