I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
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