she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Randomize
