there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
