This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Dignity is for republicans.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize