Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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