i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
