I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
