He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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