your parents love me but you hate me
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
