I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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