after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
