Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
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