sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize