you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I am mentally ready for anal.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
