My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Randomize
