How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
