No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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