if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
As shirtless as possible
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
