Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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