I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
