you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
