Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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