I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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