there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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