I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
