If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
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