i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
