I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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