does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
