Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
