Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
did you just send me my own nude
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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