Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
