I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
