Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize