ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
