so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
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