I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize