he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
