Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I have tasted many bathrooms
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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