Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
