My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
