I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
