I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
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