The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
