I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
