my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
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