***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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