You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
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