You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
