Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
