She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
You don't make any sense
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