we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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