I think I died a long time ago.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
